Trainer Heels

During my more adventurous youth I was given to the wearing of branded trainers, because they were comfortable and practical and made my feet smell like someone had dumped a plague pit upside-down in a sewer but no one was going to go near my feet anyway. The generally uninspiring form was mitigated by the function: they were easy to get around in, comfortable, and supremely convenient for kicking off and across the room in one easy, stanky-footed manoeuvre.

As an adult I have come to accept the occasional necessary evil of heels. They make my feet hurt, because I am a fat woman and fat women are not easily balanced on very small spots of shoe leather; they don’t do well with grass; they make everyone’s back hurt because that isn’t a natural posture for any living being. However, I cannot get away from the fact that some of them are breath-takingly beautiful or at the very least outrageous enough to merit a little pain now and then.

They both had downsides, I thought, and upsides. I found happy compromise in Doc Martens, which were both stylish and comfortable, and didn’t make my feet smell like a WW1 trench half-way through the massacre. How else would one choose to bring together the world of trainers and the world of women’s heels?

Like this.

Apparently by taking the design eyesore of standard trainer design and allying it with the pain of high heels. I certainly know that when I brave the backache of high heels, what I really miss about wearing trainers is the impression that I couldn’t be bothered to dress up like a grown-up, and the foot stench. And when I wear trainers, what I really truly miss about heels isn’t the glamour. No, it’s the sore feet, the likelihood of hurting my ankle, and the back pain.

These are, quite honestly, a torture implement for chav masochists. That is wonderful if your social class and sexual preferences align in this fashion – good for you, you live the dream – but I’m not sure I fancy the idea of these being introduced at any place on earth as a fashion staple.

One could argue that I’m being a snob and I just have it in for trainer brands associated with A Certain Quantity of Foundation, or that I’m eager to disavow my own hoop-earring-wearing Adidas-aficionado Croydon-facelift days, but to that argument I point out this:

Yes, the standard-issue alterna-brand of canvas trainer has also participated in the abomination.

Those are a particularly ugly type of heel, though… perhaps the concept is improved by the inclusion of the trainer greats, and proper heels?

Nope. Ugly, weird, déclassé, and guaranteed to make your feet honk. The only possible use for this trend is to placate the withdrawal symptoms of those who want a little additional height but cannot bear to be parted from the comforting (whiffy) embrace of their Nikes for a whole night. And if that is the case, might I suggest:

After all, there is supposed to be an inexorable 90s revival, whether we want it or not.

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